So it has been 2 and a half years since I ended what was the best part of me and the best part of my life. Since then I have been working myself to death to prove to others that I am not a complete waste of skin but still find myself being constantly depressed. This morning all I can think about is how I have hurt others or wronged others.
I know we are only human and we try our best to try and do the best we can. For almost 10 years I had the life I had always dreamt of. I had it all and although at the time I thought I was doing everyone a favour by moving on because I had given up on life, I now realize all I actually did was push the people who loved me and cared about me even further away.
I broke promises, I broke hearts and worst of all, I broke true love.
Today all I can do is sit here on the stairs, thinking about what was and hoping to somehow find some absolution in life. Somehow find a way to stay in this world and make a difference somehow to the people I have hurt. The alternative is the chickens way out and that is to just end it. Something tells me that may make it easier for me, but not for everyone else who has been there for me.
I may not be a nice person and I have made some huge mistakes but I can choose to try and be better every single day.
Today, I sit, I cry and I reminisce on the best years of my life. I find myself sobbing uncontrollably and wonder how did I become so twisted. How did I mess up so much. How did I become this person. Who am I. Where do I belong? Do I belong at all?
For any of you who I have wronged I am sorry. Beyond words I am so so sorry. I just wish I knew the way to make things better.